Crossroads of life

I have come to this crossroads of life, the direction forward I know
is dependent upon me.I think of life retrospectively and I think of
myself as an iota of hope. I lived my life on hope,but never had hope
dictated my life.Now I know that I am in love with somebody ,though
she deserves somebody a million times better than me.Whatever I have
done or not done has come back to hunt me, remind me of the fatality
of life.Decisions ,decisions : which decide what I do or not.Every
decision ,every lie, everything that I have done has come back
sometimes to hunt me, sometimes to deride me, sometimes to make fun of
me, sometimes to just give an iota of hope .And that iota of hope is
what that keeps me alive.I almost had given up completely.I was
thinking of suicide, then thinking about the amazing achievements I
had gained without any support from anybody in life. I may not be
exceptional but I am certainly above average in certain stuffs. And I
may not be the worst ,but I am certainly well below average in things
like communications and socialization.I always claimed that I could do
it alone, I don't need friends ,I don't need anybody to support me
,but I came to know that the recluse is speaking, I need attention.I
don't want to be a cynosure,but I do need friends with whom I can
talk,I need people to listen in.And I don't have that,probably I can
never have that.
I don't know, maybe because I am black or maybe because I am a geek in
a true sense of word, I intent to live that way. I am completely
progressive and my political feelings sometimes paint
the horizon sometimes encompassing all possible scenario of mutuality
with somebody I would probably want to talk to.
Sarah is different,but I can't say anything.As I said she deserves better.